Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Where to go on the days you want to stop being a Mama...

I have a confession. 

When I woke up this morning, I no longer wanted to be a mom. 

I just wanted to be Jodi today. 

A woman. By myself. 

Someone without four, small, human attachments. 

No parenting. No teaching. No cooking. No tidying up legos and playing horses and kicking soccer balls around the backyard. 

Quite frankly, right now? 
I feel done with this whole "Mama Mission" thang.
 I need someone to take over. 

I'm surrounded be littles ALL DAY LONG. 
And I'm wiped. 

Tired of making meals, only to clean up again. Tired of wiping down the high chair and the toilet seat. Tired of teaching kiddos how to treat each other kindly, tired of seeing nerf gun bullets flying by my head as I burn scrambled eggs and tired of helping make pillow forts only to take them down and make them again. I'm tired of cleaning up spilled dog food and patiently helping little hands collect chicken eggs. Sick of laundry and more laundry. Oh, and discovering the "oh I forgot to tell you Mama" wet, muddy clothes in the upstairs bath tub. I'm tired of the mess. 

This morning? I didn't want to be a Mama.

But then I force myself to get up.

I DO make breakfast and we all clean up together. My oldest, she sees I'm tired and offers to wipe down the high chair and I let her help. Even though she doesn't clean it that well, I'm thankful that she sees a need. She hugs me close, "I love helping you Mama, because I'm loving the Lord by serving you." The middle kids and I feed the dog together and Lacey patiently shows Tripp how to handle the kitten. We put on our boots and tromp out to the chicken coop. My littlest squeals with delight as we gather purple and brown chicken eggs. I help her (again) on the potty. She asks me to sit close so I can watch. "Be near me Mama. Stay near me please," she begs. 

And there I sit on the cold tile bathroom floor, watching this little one grow up. It's only 8:30 am and we have already lived a full day. I have HOURS of mothering to go before bedtime. And I start to pray. Telling Him, the One who breathed life into these four littles, that today I just don't have what it takes. That I'm tired. Ready to quit. And that right in this moment, I want out. Out of the responsibility of motherhood. 

And He whispers loud, "It's ok to feel that way, Jo....It's ok.....

And even as I write this, this truth that is so overflowing that I have to write it down, I feel my eyes brim over. Because today? I need to be seen. To be encouraged. To be reminded that this mothering vocation matters. That I belong to the God who SEES ALL and cares about every dish that is washed and every moment I stoop down low to hug a fussy child and every time I run her to the potty again. He sees the hours spent molding children's hearts and the purposefulness in teaching them to how to love each other. He knows just how much work this is. How exhausted I am. He knows what it's like to pour out everything for another. 

He did it for me. Because He loved me THAT much. 

And confessions like mine? 
They don't make me a bad Mama, even though I feel like one today. They make me a Mama who desperately needs Jesus. 
His Grace. His Love. His Patience. His Parenting. 

And so right now, I'm off to put on a movie for the big kids and crawl into my bed with a hot cup of tea. I'm gonna fire up the heating pad and curl up with my favorite book.
 I need to read a love letter this afternoon, and I have one waiting for me from the Heavenly King...

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