When you have the fullest day...and where to get your strength.

Today has been so full for me. 

And my confession?  

The amount of mothering required

around here today is busting well over what I alone am capable to give. 

I'm flat out spent and brimming over with invitations to serve.
My house, and my heart, is full.

Full of runny noses and hacky coughs. Of doctor visits. Of measuring out equal shares of Motrin and more motrin. And rubbing the head of a sick husband. And "emergency" runs back to school to pick up a(nother) sick kid during lunch (after I had just put the toddler down to nap). 

Today there was a special ankle doctor appointment for a limping kid. And frantically making dinner and burning vegetables for my hungry tribe. There was cleaning up fallen spaghetti noodles and spilled ginger ale, and warming up gallons of chicken noodle soup. There was uncompleted math sheets and squeaky recorders and dogs who ran wild and muddy over our clean, hardwood floors. 

Today, I have not had one moment to myself. 

Not one stinkin' minute to pause and think any adult thoughts, much less use the bathroom without someone wanting to sit on my lap. 

Today has been one of my fullest days in so long. 

But the best thing? 

In the midst of this chaos even though I haven't been able to pick up the Holy Scriptures or steal away to silently pray? 

Today has been so full of Jesus. 

Because I’ve needed Him at every turn. Needed his patience with a 2-year-old, as she took off her pants and underwear again and again (hope this isn't a sign of what's to come). I've been desperate for His kind voice, to replace my own, as I cared for a feverish husband (honestly, these men are worse than the kids!). Today, remembering that my face does not belong to me but to my Creator, I asked for His smile to replace my own, as I cuddled an complaining, ankle-braced kid. I needed His grace to love-on a daughter who insisted she and her crutches stay within an 18-inch radius of me ALL DAY LONG. I relied on His strength when my body felt so tired and sore from bending and cleaning and being up all night with sick kids. 

"I am the vine, you are the branches. 

Whoever remains in me and I in Him will bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5 

And when I've needed Him most? Jesus has shown up today. When I fail so often as a mother and wife?  Praise God, when I invite Him into the mess, He never lets me down. 

"The one who is in you is greater than the 

one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4 

And as I sit here briefly to write...I get the chills remembering something I just read yesterday. This blessed saint's words come flooding back to soothe my soul. 

Because that's what purposeful, daily time away with our Lord does for days like today...Carving out that effort to study and spiritually grow, fuels our hearts with Living Water when the fire comes. 

"Real prayer is union with God, a union as vital as that of the vine to the branch, which is the illustration Jesus gives us in the Gospel of John. We need prayer. We need that union to produce good fruit. The fruit is what we produce with our hands, whether it be food, clothing, money or something else. All of this is the fruit of our oneness with God. We need a life of prayer, of poverty, and of sacrifice to do it with love.  

Sacrifice and prayer complement each other. There is no prayer without sacrifice, and there is no sacrifice without prayer. Jesus' life was spent in intimate union with His Father as He passed through this world. We need to do the same. Let's walk by His side. We need to give Christ a chance to make use of us, to be His word and His work, to share His food and His clothing in the world today. " (Mother Teresa "No Greater Love" Pg. 11 and 12)

So, my dear Mama-Sisters, I want to quickly steal away to write something down for you and me to read when we are in the thick of it, one days like today. I'm writing to you, the one opening this up on her I-phone or hiding out under the covers, reading late at night on her laptop. A mother, whose children may be 2 or 22, just so tired from what you've faced today and so longing for encouragement. 

Invite. 

Jesus. 

In. 

He's a gentleman. And He's waiting for you to ask. 

And I share this, because this truth has changed this girls life. You have been right by my side through all of this. This hard everyday loving when we feel like we have nothing left. And I am so glad it will be you, next to me and my sister Diana, up sitting all comfy in big ol’ rocking chairs, next to our own Mamas, whole and without blemish, as we rock and sing in eternity together at the feet of Christ. (PS- We will be able to take long bathroom breaks up there. I promise.) 

 "So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain. But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all. You too, I urge you,rejoice in the same way and share your joy with me."

Philippians 2:12-18 

Today has just been one of those days. 

One I NEVER want to forget because 

I have experienced Jesus so deeply. 

And my dear friends...I want to remind you just how MUCH Jesus loves you today. You are His beloved daughter. Marinate in that truth right now, 

just as I am in this quiet moment. 

And now I'm off....because a sick kid is calling my name from the other room! 

In His Grace and Protection, Jodi 

A(nother) note to myself...Never. Ever. Will. I. Do. This. Again.

Dear Self,

1. Please NEVER, ever drive your kids to school dressed only in your PJ's. It's simply a bad idea. One you will regret. Forever. You will swear that nobody will ever see you and that it doesn't matter that you didn't take the time to put on a bra or that no one will notice that you are wearing your husband's sweat pants. Do not believe the lie. This is simply not a good idea. You will arrive to school and upon opening the back tailgate of the vehicle will hear screeching and screaming as your kids' book bags, lunch boxes and water bottles fall out. They will thud unto the asphalt. The avalanche will nearly take out your five-year-old. Your kids will yell for help. Your help. But you will look down and remember you are dressed like a homeless person and so you will pretend you don't hear them. Like the star mother you are, you will crouch down in the front seat on the Denali praying back-up help will arrive (which it won't), as the carpool line backs up behind you. You will then feel like crying as you look in the rear view mirror as a dozen basketballs and loads of coloring books (that you meant to bring inside last night), birthday wrapping paper (emergency roll), two potty seats (on their way to Consignment) and a slew of talking Transformers (now the kids know that THOSE are heading to consignment) also fall to the street. You will realize you have no choice. You will have to get out of the car. The whole world will see your pathetic PJ's (way to go Jo!). Parents will start to (nicely?) honk as you hold up the carpool line. When in doubt next time, please at least just throw on a pair of workout leggings and a sports bra. Trust me.  This memory is now worse than the day your Mom allowed you to wear your Dad's tie to middle school with a buttoned down shirt (while telling you what a wonderful trend-setter you were. God bless my Mom's heart...) Please change out of your PJ's next time.

2. If you are going to drive your kids to school dressed like a homeless person, NEVER stay in the regular drop-off line. Get off the beaten path and be incognito. Park as far away from the school as you can and make the kids walk. This is not cruel. It is called wardrobe survival. Because if you don't, you'll end up in front of that cute Mom of two, who is dressed for the gym, with gorgeous blonde highlights and a sparkly clean car. It will be inevitable that she is the one who pulls up in the drop-off line behind you and witnesses what a hot mess you really are (when you sometimes hope to fake it in front of her, at least every once in a while). To the Mama reading this, you know who you are, and yes, I still love you and your manicured hands! 

3. After you drop the kids off at school, NEVER allow your just-turned-two-year-old to sit just "ONE TIME" in her big brother's booster seat "for the fun of it" as you run errands. This spontaneity will sound like a great idea at the time, until you look back in the rear view mirror to see her sliding horizontally, all tangled up in the seat belt. Because she is three rows back (also NOT a good idea) you will attempt to reach her but will feel miles away. She will wait until you merge unto a major highway to quickly learn how to unbuckle herself. You will panic and politely ask her to sit down still. She will scream back a lovely "NO!". You will pull off into the nearest WaWa parking lot to save her life. Getting her strapped back into the regular car seat will NOT be as fun as it was putting her in the booster and she will scream and flail like she is being locked up as you patiently try to explain that this is HER seat and the booster was just for one time, to which she has no idea what you are saying (because for crying out loud she is only 2!) and becomes even more irate.  Just because she's your fourth kid, doesn't mean you have lost your mind (even though it feels like it most days). Get control of yourself Mama. Never again let her sit in the booster until she's ready for the booster seat. Nough said.  

4. For the love of mothering ....NEVER EVER pull into your home driveway after school, look at the pile of junk sitting next to you in the passenger seat that has accumulated throughout the day and think, "I'll clean this up tomorrow." Tomorrow will come in the blink of an eye and the stash will take on a life of its own. Please take the time, right there, to clean your car out. If you need a reminder why to follow this rule, please reread number one. Right now.

5. NEVER think it's silly to take the time to teach your kids, especially your second child, WHY and HOW to use the new family trash can (I know, yes I'm type A and this might sound extreme but girls, some car changes MUST be made around here). Today, as you are cleaning all the crap out of the back of the car (to avoid this morning's debacle of ever happening again) you will find the following "treasures" tucked away, back by said child's corner of the vehicle; a wad of chewed chewing gum, a half-eaten yogurt with dried up granola (enter gag reflex here), a rock hard string cheese, an assortment of small rocks (obviously gathered, aka "stolen", from various parking lots around the tri-county area) and finally, four perfectly sculpted swans made from tin-foil courtesy of school lunches (am I a bad Mom if I throw these away? Because they were actually quite good. And what if one day she becomes a famous artist and this was the evidence of the beginning? Don't worry. I took a picture and then in the trash bin they went!). 

6. NEVER, ever assume dropping off the kids at school will go smoothly. Someone will spill their water bottle. Someone else will complain that you forgot to sign their Tuesday folder and will shove 47 unsigned papers in you face as they exit the car, while another will peak inside of their lunch bag to learn they don't have roast beef on their sandwich but instead dreaded "disgusting" turkey (hence the new "fun" rule that I made up this morning that we do not, under any circumstances check-out the contents of our lunches before lunchtime in the cafeteria. Isn't it fun to be surprised anyway?) Everyone will arrive singing and laughing as we pull into the school parking lot, but as they open the door, it never fails that one child will trip or fall or get knocked on the head by the door and end up crying. Someone will say "unkind" words to someone else. Hair ties will come undone. Shoe laces untied and you'll realize that one kid escaped the house without matching shoes. Never think morning drop-off will be easy and then you won't be disappointed. Just prepare for the worst. Give up all hope of a seamless drop-off and you'll be much happier.

7. NEVER take for granted the gift of having a live-in morning school chauffeur (aka-your husband). Thank God in heaven that your dear husband drives the kiddos to school everyday. And after you've thanked him once? Thank him again. Because after driving the crew to school just one morning this week, you will realize what a good man you married (and also remind him just how lucky he is that he never has to remember to put on a bra...)

Storm. Sand. And unlimited Sammy Sosa's...

Our flight was canceled. 
The one we were supposed to take ALONE on Sunday, 

out of the country to our tropical get-away.

We rescheduled. 

Then that flight was canceled too.

The snow was on its way, in a just a few days, 

 and the state of Maryland was in a pending panic. 

Skim milk was no where to be found. 

Only whole-wheat bagels were left on the barren grocery shelf. 

The local airports shut down DAYS IN ADVANCE.

But yet not one snow flake had fallen from the sky yet...

I had spent the last two weeks getting ready. 

Cooking double meals. Making sure every drop of laundry was done. Toilets scrubbed. Drafting carpool lists. Praying I wouldn't be an emotional wreck leaving my littles as we headed out to the Dominican Republic. I cleaned out a part of my closet so she put her clothes away for the week she was staying here with our tribe. Of course, in my vacation prep, I found myself cleaning out every drawer, because what if, just what if, she needed a pencil sharpener or a razor or a battery or a swiss army knife (back story there) and couldn't find one (enter counseling here...) 

(Side note, if you're dragging your feet on cleaning and organizing your home? Just invite your Mother-in-law to babysit for a week and suddenly you will sort out your underwear drawer (cause she will certainly need to look in there...enter sarcasm and also more counseling here), label the pantry snack bins, and clean under bookcases that have never been cleaned before.)

"We're going on vacation, Jo. You aren't dying here. Just going away for one week," my hubby teased.  The men? They just don't understand what we go through! Amen? 

But I know you Sister-Mamas get it. Because if you have ever left little ones at home to get away for a day or a weekend or (gasp here) even one whole week, then you know it takes HOURS of preparation to leave our kiddos in the care of someone else. In fact, my first thought when I heard both of our flights were canceled was to think, "Well after all this work I've done to get the house ready, now I want to stay home and relax next week!" 

But my husband was going. 

Dead set on getting the heck out of dodge. 

No two-foot snow storm was going to keep him from warm sand and an all-inclusive tiki-bar. Normally I have been the one to insist we go but this time he was on a mission. I knew he was serious and desperate to get away from here when I overheard him securing a rental car and back-up plan that had us driving 15 hours to Miami to catch an international flight out there. It all seemed a like a little too much to me, which is why I gently suggested we rebook our trip or just wait to go another year. 

But that's why I'm writing today. 

To remind myself that the next time I have an opportunity to go somewhere, ALONE, with him, no matter how stressful or busy or snowy it is...I SHOULD GO. And should your husband plan a trip for the just the two of you? And you are faced with obstacles that seem to come out of left field too? Overcome my sister-Mamas! You should go too! The health of your marriage depends on it. 

We hurriedly packed our bags that evening. Our "DeeDee" gave up sleep and drove over here around midnight so we could head out, days before our scheduled trip. We didn't sleep at all that night.  Drove the 2 and a half hours to catch the last flight out of Philadelphia, direct to Punta Cana. We barely beat the blizzard. I had no idea what I had even packed in my suitcase, it was such a whirlwind. 

What an adventure! It was stressful. 

And it was pure heaven. 

As soon as we landed, the warm sun hit our faces and I was so grateful he insisted we still come. Within days, it felt like we were back to being 15 years old again. Back to when we laughed at each other's jokes and kissed long and held hands all day. Responsibility seemed to melt away and we clung to each other like we haven't in years. No kids. No jobs. No women's ministry. Just us and unlimited refills of our new favorite drink, the "Sammy Sosa". We swam and ate. We took really long, beach walks. Played tennis. We drank. We ate more. And read. And ate again. And drank more. And....did many other things that helped us feel 15 again! 

The time away was such a blessing. When we landed on the Dominican Republic, my husband grabbed my hand and asked if he could lead us in prayer. My heart beat fast in my chest. 

"Dear Lord, help us do two things on this trip. Help Jodi and I to be individually refreshed. Give us good sleep. Help us recover. But also help us reconnect with each other. Show us how to love each other better. Amen." 

On our trip, I was really convicted of how much care and energy our marriages require if they are to flourish. Ours had hit a dead spot, not because we didn't care anymore, but because there were (and are) so many things fighting for our attention. All noble things. Board positions and basketball coaching jobs and Bible study leader and field trip organizer. At the end of each day, we seemed to have nothing left for each other. 

I'm praying that I can be purposeful in making sure my husband no longer get my "left-overs". Our vacation reminded me of a quote I heard recently saying, "Action Expresses Priorities". 

ACTION EXPRESSES PRIORITIES. 

Where is your husband on your priority list? He is buried at the bottom under the laundry and the kids homework and shuttling kiddos to and from rec ball practice and piano lessons? Is your husband getting your "best" today? Is he getting anything positive from you? I know that often my answer is NO! I am too tired, too frazzled, or just too distracted to really give him the attention he needs. 

But most of us, God willing, will only have ONE HUSBAND in this lifetime. In what other life will we go ALL OUT in loving him? 

And so if you have the chance, get away with your man. Pronto. Start planning. Start dreaming together. An overnight at a local dive hotel can work wonders if a week away is just impossible right now.  

Be intentional. But make the effort. 

The priority of your marriage? 
It's worth taking action on today 
(and maybe even getting a little sunburned!) 

Read. This. Before. Tomorrow.

1.  Always get all four kids dressed for the day BEFORE they come downstairs, even on a snow day. Otherwise, it takes three times longer if you attempt to dress them later and all morning you feel like you are working backward.

2. No matter how good of an idea it sounds like at the time, do not let said kids climb into your queen size bed and watch an hour of cartoons (as you attempt to doze) before feeding them breakfast. Meltdowns are inevitable. No one will eat. You will end up giving in and giving them full reign of Aunt Diana's and DeeDee's "generous" Valentine Candy bags because you can't stand the whining. Sugar highs will follow. 

3. Under no circumstances should you get a dog. He will chew up Lacey's Harped Seal science fair project and then escape out of her bedroom balcony door with the beloved stuffed, white seal animal in his mouth (torn from the science mobile). She will cry. You will want to cry. We will all go out in the snow, half-dressed, and chase this lovable dog. This never ends well. For anybody.

4. When you have scheduled your day around driving to your parents house to help "nurse" your Mom as she recovers from surgery, and your Dad calls early that morning to say you no longer need to come. Go anyway. Your Mom needs you even though your Dad thinks she's "fine". And he will call you back later and beg you to come. Stick to your plan. Visit your Mom first thing. 

5. It's ok to tell your kids that they can NOT play in the snow and not be a mean Mom. Snow tracked through the house by wet socks and drippy pants (the same pants that just took us 30 minutes to all put on) is enough to drive this Mom crazy at 10 am. You are not robbing them of a wonderful childhood experience by saying no to the snow for just ONE DAY. Stay strong.

6. When your two-year-old darling, who is just learning to talk, gets mad and tells you to "Shush it!" and then after you won't give her the juice box she's begging for, follows up with, "You're mean!". Don't shrug and think, "Well, if three out of four of these kiddos turn out alright I will settle for that..." Please, take the time and energy to correct her. Not give her the juice box.

7. At the end of this day, if you reread this post and feel drained, hang in there. Pour a giant glass of red wine, wrap your unshowered body in a down blanket and crawl into bed. Text a good girlfriend who will hopefully remind you that regardless of numbers 1-6, you are still doing alright at this mothering thing. Because in just 7 short hours? Mama, the alarm will go off and it ALL begins again...

Thursday's Prayer

A day in the life of a mother...

This is how I got through the homework hour tonight. 

Seriously. 

My daughter, trying to get my attention, 

snapped these pictures.

Here is my witness. 

The five-year-old stuck to my lap and the two-year-old with one arm draped around my neck and her other hand plugging my nose while she whispered little words and giggled in my ear. 

And tonight, after Latin chants and recorder ballads and timed multiplication tables, when I felt like loosing it? 

I smiled big and laughed out loud, looking up and thanking God for each of these four lives I've been entrusted to mother...because this really is a privilege isn't it? 

An honor to pour into hearts and mold souls and be called "Mama". And after my brief prayer? 

My Mama-Sisters, you know me well! I poured myself a big ol' glass of wine BEFORE serving dinner! 

To all the Mothers who are out there and tired tonight...hang in there. What you are doing matters. 

Because mothering matters. 

How mothering grows us just as much as our children...

Monday's Main Course...

What to do when your kid is acting out...

Breaking-up is hard to do!

Dear Summer of 2015,

It's been fun...and this is hard for me to write when we've had such a great time, but let's keep it real...I'm ready to move on. I know. I know. Breaking up is hard to do. But we ended school in mid-May (thanks Lighthouse Christian Academy) and don't start back up until after Labor Day (yes, even though I am far from a math-wiz that adds up to almost 15 weeks of summer).

Let's just both be honest. Four kids (and a puppy) home all summer long has been a joy (said with my best forced smile). But I'm flat out done.

Summer, we need to break up.

Don't get me wrong, we've had good times I'll cherish forever. But like they say, all good things must come to an end. (Insert reality check here: I have three weeks left until the first school bell rings).

We've hit the beach and spent hours building pillow forts. Lathered sunblock all over little bodies until we cried (me included). Picked off deer ticks and made trips to the ER. Trips to urgent care. Adjusted swim goggles. Cried over swim googles. Thrown swim goggles. 

We've stayed up late and ate hundreds (no exaggeration) of pancakes (for breakfast and dinner). Caught fireflies and rode horses and dug in mud holes. We've read the entire children's section of the local library (thanks Classical Education). We've baited crab pots and took late-night boat rides, house trained a puppy and ran circles through the sprinklers. We went to basketball camp and played mini-golf and laughed during boardwalk rides. VBS? Check. Swimming at Meme's? Family beach vacation with 26 (yikes!) other people? Check. Check. Check. It's been a ball. Really it has. I have the pictures to prove it!

But it has to stop. We must break up. I need my brain back (and my bathroom, which is scattered with kid toys because let's face it, throwing one and/or all of the littles into the bathtub at 3pm has saved this Mamas life on some rainy summer days). I've been so accommodating, so "fun", so flexible...but I need to get back to having some sanity around here. I miss the structure where bedtimes are set and lunches packed and I can go to the bathroom without being asked to tie (another) rainbow loom bracelet RIGHT NOW. 

So, I'm making this short and sweet. 

And, yes, I apologize to all the other Mamas who I've judged  in the past who "complained" about the l...o...n...g warm months and their kids being home. I thought I'd never be THAT kinda Mom. After all, my tan hubby and I thrive during summer and all of her sunny glory. We love and live for the calendar to show June- August.

But this year? I get it. I. REALLY. GET. IT. (I'm hiding out behind a tree in our backyard right now writing this I'm so desperate.)

So, Good bye Summer. It's been fun...
Love, Jodi

‪

One thing you'll never hear me say...

"You will keep in perfect peace

those whose minds are steadfast,

because they trust in you."

Isaiah 26:3 

I get flat-out asked all the time. In the grocery store line. At the end of Bible Study. When the conversation falls quiet during a new play date.  People watch me and my ravenous tribe, and then I get asked. The same question over and over. And I always pause long before I answer, reflecting on how different my response would have been years before, when I was asked the very same question.

"So, you have four children. 

You seem like you have your hands full. 

Are you done?"

And my heart floods warm. And every time my answer leaves my lips, I feel a deep sense of peace wash over my tired body. 

Because how can I possibly answer what's in store for the size of our family, even when we feel at our max right now? How can I foresee the will of God and what life He might bring into our home now or years down the road? 

Because if there is one thing I have learned from pounding out my learning on this blog, it is the Biblical truth that no season is permanent with God. If there is one thing He has taught me, after cradling the fourth impossible and living each day to the full,  counting His gifts to find joy, it is this - God's will is fluid.  His plan is ever changing and surprising. What might feel like "done" for now, right now, can feel much differently tomorrow. Or next week. Or five years from now. 

And I praise my Heavenly Father that He knows my future, and I do not. 

Because it wasn't too long ago, that the uncertainty of how many and when, the "unknown" about the number of children we would have, made me cringe. Peace was elusive and I sick at the uncertainty of my womb's future...

When I close my eyes, I can see us sitting there, together, on that rickety wooden booth, over eight years ago. Desperation and sloppy words pouring out of mouth. Deep soul-searching had led to heart-confusion, I was teetering back and forth, trying to balance on a slippery, dangerous point. Quite simply, I was having an interior meltdown about the uncertainty of my future. 

I called him, my best friend and warrior-husband, out of work to meet me for lunch. We sat, with our untouched hot sandwiches, surrounded by noisy talkers and happy customers at one of our favorite Eastern Shore dives. There was no happiness at our table. Fast cars swirled by outside the restaurant window on the freeway. Their tires, humming fast, seemed to match my racing heart. Big tears dripped quietly into my vegetable crab soup as our oldest and only child, just turned one, sat babbling in the wooden highchair. I blotted at my face and stuffed crackers into the baby's mouth to keep her quiet. I felt ready to explode. I did explode. 

At the age of 26, I was so unsure of where this life, my one and only life, was headed. I admitted to him I felt like I had "so many dreams to live, ones that would go unfulfilled if we had any more children...".  My husband reached across the table to grab my hand as I immaturely pulled it away. My serious tone scratched out of my tired throat. I was irritated. Confused. Flat-out-scared. I felt betrayed and surrounded by a big, fat, cloud of uncertainty. 

I felt desperate and my eyes begged him to make a permanent decision. I unloaded all the fear that had been circling my heart, "I can't handle anymore babies," I confided. "I think we should just have one. I'm not cut out for this. Mothering is SO much harder than I thought. Let's just decide and be done with having kids. Would you do this for me so I can move on with my career?" 

And he understood what I was asking and saw how much I was struggling. He listened. He loved me so much he softly put his hand on my back. And because of that, He spoke gently, not wanting to hurt me. But he loved HIM even more, so he was firm. He remained steady. Principled. This man I had married, a man of conviction, formed his words slowly, looking deeply into my eyes. "Take a deep breath, Jo," he whispered. "You are a new Mama and you are tired and overwhelmed. You are doing a great job. You're a natural. Let's pray about this and be smart and responsible. But we can't make a permanent choice to sever our oneness. God wants us to remain open to His will...And we have so much life ahead of us."

But even though he's purposeful and very kind, I feel hurt. The tears fall even harder and I stay angry. We part ways and I squeal wheels in the parking lot because after all, don't I "deserve" this from my husband? As I drove, my heart actually hurt at the idea of uncertainty of our future. 

"I need to know now. Right now. Need to know if we are "done" so I can get on with my life, so I can get back to working," my words, directed heavenward, came harsh out of my mouth. But I needed answers. I was desperate for peace.  

 I hated the fact that I secretly yearned to return to my "adult" life, the one where my days weren't centered around nap schedules and baby food and patiently instructing a toddler who could barely talk back. Surely, this "secret" meant I was not cut-out for this whole mothering thing. 

  I spent the rest of the day fuming at my husband, and his conviction, because I didn't yet understand. Did not understand where God was on this whole family-planning thing.  And I wasn't happy with my husband's answer. So I asked more. I read more. I sought council from church goers and Jesus followers and family experts. But their answers were conflicting. Permissive with an absence of depth. No proof from Scripture. No hard evidence to convict this retired-news-girl who needed hard fact for truth. As a teen, I had thrown myself head-first into following Jesus, wherever He may lead. But on deciding how to handle contraception and how many children to have? I felt like He was silent on this issue. Unclear and silent. As I spoke with another pastor, his evasiveness in giving guidance on this issue left my skin crawling. "Whatever is best for you," he said. "Just do what feels right." 

Before we were married, during a portion of our pre-marital prep, I remember sitting in the office of my childhood pastor who looked from DJ to me and then asked, "So, the final question is WHAT type of birth control are you going to use?" 

We shrugged our shoulders and squirmed in our seats. Back then, something about that question just didn't feel right for two people who had waited to share their bodies and their lives until marriage and two souls who were ready to give themselves, their whole selves, to each other fully. 

 But what did God have to say about this? Didn't He give me free will so that I could decide? After all, this is my body, my career, my life. Did God have an opinion on birth control? 

"A child is God's greatest gift to the family, to the nation, to the world. The child is a life from God, created in the image of God, created for great things, to love and to be loved." Mother Theresa

I didn't know what God wanted from me, but I did know one thing. After a day of mothering just one child...I was spent. Exhausted. Overwhelmed and bored in the same day. I look over at a sister-friend herding a brood of five kids at Church and I couldn't possibly wrap my head around that life. Those long days. How can you even have time to have a conversation with each kiddo every day when you have that many, much less make sure a toothbrush gets into their little mouths each night before their heads hit the pillow? Surely I could NEVER handle more than one, maybe two kids...

I knew that loving this little one was hard and exhausting and mind-numbing at the same time. I battled the daily lie that I was ill-equipped. I felt like my gifts and talents were going unused. I felt unseen. Because of these inadequacies, surely this meant we should decide NOW and be purposefully finished. Done having babies.

Days later, I'm pouring over Psalm 143, and my eyes linger on verse 8. 

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love. For I have put my trust in you. Show me the way you should go, for to you I entrust my life." 

 I flip open my journal, finger through the scribbled pages which chronicle my journey with the Lord, and I begin to scratch out my irritation about my struggle when I hear the Lord whisper to me, "You read this and you say you believe....but do you trust me Jodi? Do you really trust me? If you say that I am the giver and sustainer of life. That I breathe in life and am the One who takes it away...do you not believe that I know what is best for you? That yes, maybe this mothering thing is hard but you don't have to try so hard to do it on your own. I'm here. I want to help love through you. I want to grow you closer to me through this struggle, in the midst of these questions. There are answers. Come to me. Rest in me." And as I hear His voice, I breathe deeper and feel my shoulders fall. Because His Words of peace and comfort illuminate the struggle of my heart. A constant, twisted wrestling for the need of control. 

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91: 1-2

 Attempting to control this life is just...well, just plain exhausting. Gripping, crawling with control is the opposite of what life looks like when we are participating in a full, transparent relationship with Jesus Christ.

But surrender? Whisper that word and the need for control shrinks back. Yes, surrendering is what has saved this girl's soul. Surrendering deep and climbing into His lap is where I find peace, and there, only there, blessings abound.

In those days I would start to learn that I had a choice. Not a choice to "decide" where my life would head and know exactly how many lives I would love, whether I birthed them or simply opened the front door and let them in, but I had a decision. 

Either I would believe that God is who is says He is. 

Or I would not.

Either I would believe what the Church teaches and the Bible confirms and the Saints live - that God is infinitely wise and infinitely loving - or I would live for myself, trusting my own needs and living independent of something greater than my own desire.

Either I would believe Romans 12 and offer myself fully, as "a living sacrifice" emptying my life out each dawn to be filled up each warming hour by the only One who can satisfy or I would shrink back, holding tight to what I thought was best. Wrestling with control. 

Either I believed that I could trust the One who gave His life for me and trust He knew what was best for my life, or I could not. 

And after I'm convicted by those verses, D.J. and I (because Jesus in his goodness allowed me to marry THAT kind of man) we begin the nightly habit of praying together. Faithfully going before the Lord and asking Him for peace and purpose.  And creating that type of habit? It transforms my heart. Deep conversation with the Lord and time in his Holy Scripture grows our dependence on Christ. Blossoms our marriage.  I weep asking the Lord, the author and giver of all life, to help me trust and be open to His plan for our family.  No booming lightening or loud-speaker announcement comes. Just a consistent, warm peace started to saturate my heart. And we wait to make a permanent decision. We live and enjoy this one daughter and remain open to God's plan. And as we waited, I grew a little each day in confidence in my mothering. In purpose in knowing that my life was not identified by what I accomplished, but by how I loved. I learned to find my satisfaction not in the things of this world, but in the hope of pouring into a child who would one day make the decision to give her life to the same Jesus who saved mine. 

"God has created a world big enough for all the lives He wishes to be born. It is only our hearts that are not big enough to want them and accept them...We are too often afraid of the sacrifices we might have to make. But where there is love, there is always sacrifice. And when we love until it hurts, there is joy and peace." (Natural Family Planning Blessed Our Marriage pp. 36-40, by Fletcher Doyle)

And I thank God for the conviction of my husband because on that day, over eight years ago, when I called him having a Mama-meltdown, D.J. knew me better than I knew myself.

He didn't know God's exact plan, my warrior-husband didn't know how many children we would end up with, he still doesn't know who or when we will welcome life in, but He knew just how much this God loves us and so DJ trusted the Church's wisdom on staying open to new life. He led boldly when I was wavering and so unsure. He knew following this God, believing in this Savior, had a cost. We would give up sleep and wrestle our will strong and sacrifice much.  But discovering truth and eternal life was well worth the toll. 

He knew me too. My husband knew months later, I would bathing our 15-month-old daughter and experience this incredible wave of desire coming over me, longing to have another child.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. Desiring to gift her a sister and best friend. And as I watched bubbles cascading over her tiny body, I grabbed my stomach and looked up, suddenly knowing there was precious, just-weeks-old life brewing inside.  It was if in that moment I caught a glimpse of what it must have been for Mary to be touched by the angel, smiling in her secret gift.

"She who guarded in her heart the secret of divine maternity was the first to see the face of God made man in the tiny fruit of her womb."  Pope Benedict XVI 

Yes, I think my husband knew. He trusted God's plan and knew hidden beneath the lies, that I was ill-equipped and overwhelmed, lay a tenderness in my Spirit that melted with motherhood. He knew love would change me. 

 He somehow knew I would wrap my arms around him, so thankful he had not gone right out and come back "fixed" like I had immaturely begged. Knew I would cry with joy as we welcomed our second daughter, Lacey Marie. Knew I would  take such great delight in teaching two girls how to love. He knew loving and mothering would transform me; grow me to have a deeper relationship with our Lord. 

Knew, yes, there would still be some days of Mama-meltdowns and mid-day phone calls confiding this Mama-thing was tough. Too tough for me... But I would grow in love and praise God for this gift of mothering and how it brought me daily to my knees. 

I would pray and petition years later for another baby, a son, to carry on my husband's name. That when Tripp's strong body broke through mine that warm October day, I would be forever changed. Knew that the kisses and the strokes of a blond-haired boy can do that to a Mama, can strip you to the core and make you feel love so deeply. Can break your heart and mend it stronger at the same time.

And although my husband could not have known what was coming next and how I would be physically and emotionally transformed, he trusted God's Sovereign plan when everything around us looked bleak and the doctors were telling us to "retire" from having more babies.  When it came time, in the final hour, to decide to try and salvage or save my womb or make the permanent decision to take it out, we prayed for wisdom, and had such peace we were making the right decision. 

He knew God loved me so much that my Heavenly Father would not allow anything to happen to me, even horrific physical pain, if it would not drawl me closer to knowing Him. 

That my suffering would be what saved me, because it drew me deeper to the Cross.

And perhaps knew the miracle would happen of carrying and delivering our baby daughter, our fourth child, after the trauma of undergoing a severe pelvic surgery to secure a prolapsed womb and drooping organs. 

And now I writing here, our littlest just 14 months and we are coming up for air in this house. After enduring my first C-Section, I whispered to the Lord that I just couldn't imagine going through this again. But suddenly, just the other day, I am struck with the sudden urge to have another. (No, .... I was not drinking...)

And I wait. And I pray. And late one night as we are trying to fall asleep, I lean into DJ and ask for his wisdom. And again, his words hit deep, but they speak such truth. 

"It's a no, Jo. A no for now. You have been through so much. It was a miracle to have a fourth baby after your surgery. I need to lead on this one. I need you. I need your attention and your love. These four kids need the best of you and another pregnancy right now is just too much. Let your body heal. It's so beautiful that because you have remained open to new life that the desire to carry a child is still there. It will always be there. Because you are a mother."

And I start to cry. Because again, I am at that place of wanting to know the future and what God has in store. I want to have a definitive answer to, "Are you done yet?" in my own spirit. 

"The transmission of human life is a most serious role in which married people collaborate freely and responsibly with God the Creator. Humanae Vitae n. 1. 

And this...this spot...is a new place for me to be. When sister-friends are celebrating new pregnancies and I'm faced with what to do with all the extra baby gear and too-small clothes. When I get adjusted to this "new" (stretched out!) skin and am months away from not having to carry a diaper bag anymore (how fun is that?!).

And that is what is so beautiful about Natural Family Planning. Beautiful because it is not a one-time discussion or decision about the number of children (if any) to have. It is a LIFETIME of intimacy and discussion.

"Catholics who have not heard a defense of the Church's teaching on contraception might be surprised how rich and full of common sense it is." Janet E. Smith PhD. "Contraception: Why Not?" 

Following NFP creates a spring-board for openness and love and communication. It helps us respect and honor how God created our bodies and His Sovereignty.  For us, it's living a way that keeps us from judging other marriages or other families but requires us to focus on our own marriage and family. NFP is a way to respect our fertility, our femininity without suppressing a perfectly "wired" ovulation system with manufactured drugs.

Searching for God's truth on this topic has been life-changing. Life-changing. And the pit I was stuck in for years as I navigated these questions about how and when to welcome new life? The stay in that deep was well worth the freedom I've felt when I climbed out, grabbing one rung at a time, up the ladder that the Catholic Church dropped down to me. Some days, when things are harried and I'm tired and kids seem to be EVERYWHERE and into EVERYTHING I shuffle back closer to that pit and stand on the edge, looking down. 

But then I sit with a sister who is walking the same road, and she encourages me to keep pressing on. To be obedient to living how I know God is calling me to live. And where there is obedience, peace abounds. 

And that kinda deep-soul-peace allows us to gently answer questions about our future with a hope and an openness. With trust. But with responsibility to each other and the children we already have. 

"With regard to physical, economic, 

psychological and social conditions,

 responsible parenthood is exercised by those

 who prudently and generously decide to 

have more children, and by those who, for 

serious reasons and with due respect to

 moral precepts, decide not to have 

additional children for either a certain or an

 indefinite period of time."  

Humane Vitae n. 10.

  Our house is busting at the seams and I've given up on keeping an organized shoe bin (yes, we could build an addition for all of the shoes), because that would be pure insanity. The laundry is always piled high and we often go through a cartoon of Almond milk at one sitting. Our kitchen table is overflowing with laughter and little hands and my hubby and I fall back into our bed each night exhausted from all the dishes and tight hugs and homework and instructing...brimming over from all the love that covers every corner of our house. 

But are we "done"? Right now, I'd say yes! But for forever? I simply can't say. 

And praise God I can't. 

Because everything and every life that He has brought into our married path has been SO MUCH MORE AMAZING than I could have ever dreamed.  We are being purposeful and responsible in postponing another pregnancy for now, maybe for forever, but are open to what wind the Holy Spirit may blow our way, so thankful that should He tug our hearts we will be ready to obey. God is amazing ah? All the time. God is good.

Just last week, we sit across from each other, alone. Staring over tall glasses of red wine and brilliant, colorful plates of sushi. His eyes sparkle and he leans in closer. Grabs my hand. 

"I felt a tug today Jo. Don't know if it was from God but this afternoon I felt led to read an article about a family that has adopted orphan children from around the world. Children who are missing limbs and missing eyes. Babies who are missing parents. And I wonder...maybe God has blessed my business so abundantly so that I might offer up my "extra" for a child in need...Maybe we should pray about adopting..." 

And I bite my lip to hide my emotion. Hold close to my heart the tug my husband is starting to feel that I felt years ago. Because, again, we never know in this life where the Lord might lead. All He asks? For us to lean back and lean on Him. Trust Him. Seek him. Surrender to Him. He is faithful and will never let us down. 

And the greatest path to joy? Gratitude. Giving thanks in the now is what changes our hearts. 

I'm so grateful for each new life that Lord has entrusted to us and so thankful that my husband has guided me to be open for us to carry each of God's children. Because after all, they are our Heavenly Father's children anyway. We are a steward of these babies, a witness and a guide for these four beautiful lives. 

So my response when someone asks if we are "done"? I got it down sisters.  I smile big and say, "We will see. But we are so blessed with our four and feel really content where we are. Because only the Lord knows. But we can't wait to see what's coming around the next corner...." (wink wink....)

Dear Jesus, Guide me in your truth. Teach me all of your ways. Help me to surrender my fertility to you, even when I am overwhelmed and scared. Encourage my heart to celebrate the gift of new life, of every new life. Thank you for making me a mother. Even if I have not carried my own children, you have still made me a mother. A spiritual mother. Work and love through me as I reach out and pull others to you. I give you my body. My womb. My marriage. My life. My soul. All that I have is yours Lord.  Your beloved daughter, Jodi.  Amen. 

“I know that couples have to plan their family and for that there is natural family planning. The way to plan the family is natural family planning, not contraception. In destroying the power of giving life, through contraception, a husband or wife is doing something to self. This turns the attention to self and so it destroys the gift of love in him or her. In loving, the husband and wife must turn the attention to each other as happens in natural family planning, and not to self, as happens in contraception. Once that living love is destroyed by contraception, abortion follows very easily.

“I also know that there are great problems in the world - that many spouses do not love each other enough to practice natural family planning. We cannot solve all the problems in the world, but let us never bring in the worst problem of all, and that is to destroy love. And this is what happens when we tell people to practice contraception and abortion.

“The poor are very great people. They can teach us so many beautiful things. Once one of them came to thank us for teaching her natural family planning and said: "You people who have practiced chastity, you are the best people to teach us natural family planning because it is nothing more than self-control out of love for each other." And what this poor person said is very true. These poor people maybe have nothing to eat, maybe they have not a home to live in, but they can still be great people when they are spiritually rich.

“When I pick up a person from the street, hungry, I give him a plate of rice, a piece of bread. But a person who is shut out, who feels unwanted, unloved, terrified, the person who has been thrown out of society - that spiritual poverty is much harder to overcome. And abortion, which often follows from contraception, brings a people to be spiritually poor, and that is the worst poverty and the most difficult to overcome.” (Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Address to the National Prayer Breakfast sponsored by the U.S. Senate and House of representatives on 3 Feb 1994)